Sakura's Ode to Fanfiction
by DecidedlyPositive
Summary: Sakura finds herself paired with everyone from Itachi to Gaara and determinedly writes a poem to set people straight on a few things—namely, her love life. -New chapter added: Sasuke's Ode to Fangirls-
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, this is not actually the character of Sakura writing this, nor does it represent the views of whoever owns Naruto.**

_Summary: Sakura finds herself paired with everyone from Itachi to Gaara and determinedly writes a poem to set people straight on a few things—namely, her love life._

* * *

**Sakura's Ode to Fanfiction**

Listen, now, and listen well,

You people from that fanfic hell,

Who oh-so-love to pair me with

Each man or boy you all see fit.

Baka Naruto's just a friend,

And Sasuke's gone around the bend.

Kakashi-sensei's too damn old,

I'm just sixteen—that's far too bold!

I hate most things of color green—

That rules out Fuzzy Br—, er, Lee I mean.

Dogs have never been my pal,

With Kiba I'm not starting now.

I won't date someone pretty as me,

So Neji's not my cup of tea.

Haku too, same thing goes,

Did you _see_ his hair and lovely nose?!

Zabuza's under a mound of grass

After Kaka-sensei kicked his…uh, you know.

Choiji's nice, and not too lewd,

But attracted, not to me, but food.

I have a mortal fear of bugs,

Sorry Shino, no kisses 'n hugs.

Perverts should burn in a painful fire:

Bye-bye to Genma and Jiraiya.

Shikamaru's life goal is just to snore,

Kissing me he'd find a chore.

Sakura/Asuma's just not right

Kurenai-sensei'd put up a fight.

And forget Gai-sensei, same as Lee,

That tight jump suit would make me flee.

I can't time-travel, despite what you think,

No Yondaime to romantically link.

Orochimaru…what can I say?

He's out to kill us every day.

And there is no magic medic love,

Sakura/Kabuto I'm so sick of.

Gaara truly tried to do me in—

Instead of love, I'll punch and grin.

I saved Kankuro's life, indeed.

Don't too deeply into it read.

Suigetsu I have yet to see,

But there is no lovin', I guarantee.

As for Juugo—_no, no,_ I pray.

Insanity just is not the way.

Akatsuki's filled with evil-doers,

They want my best friend on a skewer!

Do you really think I'd stoop so low

And go locking lips with such psychos?

Itachi's pretty hot, no doubt

But he really kinda creeps me out.

I killed Sasori good and dead,

Safe to say he'd want my head.

Kisame-san looks like a fish—

I refuse to date my favorite dish.

Hidan, please, God forbid,

Lest I be killed and body hid.

Money-grubbing guys aren't smart,

And Kakuzu'd literally steal my heart.

Zetsu really does not appeal,

A date? Oh no: I'd be a meal.

If suicidal I was to be,

Then crazy Deidara's the guy for me.

Madara hates all Konoha nin,

And Pein's decaying bones and skin.

So, next time you write a fanfic

PLEASE don't let it be me you handpick

To write about and taint my name

With mushy fluff and smutty fame.

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**First things first: I'm kidding! This is all meant in jest, so please don't get offended if you like the pairings. I love Sakura paired with anyone (well…some of the Sakura pairings kinda make me go O_O, but that's beside the point) and I'm guilty of pairing poor Sakura with guys as well ^_^. **

**I really appreciate constructive criticism, helpful tips, or just plain ol' happy comments, so please leave a review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, this is definitely not the character of Sasuke actually writing this, and this doesn't represent the views of whoever owns Naruto. **

_**Sasuke's Ode to Fan Girls**_

_**Summary: Tired of being incessantly stalked, Sasuke kindly takes time out of his busy schedule to explain why he's nice and asexual now. **_

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**.**

They sneak into your room at night

And haunt your every step.

They creep behind the bushes,

And filmed you while you slept.

.

They crouch within the garbage bins

And behind street signs they lay.

They lurk inside the bathrooms,

Just waiting for their prey.

.

They try to steal your socks and shoes

And auction off your pants.

They hold weird, secret rituals

Where 'round your underwear they dance.

.

When they hear you like tomatoes,

They'll send you an endless supply.

(Being crushed 'neath a red avalanche

Will haunt me till I die.)

.

Training is a danger,

(For them though, not I)

Cause when they stalk me to the training grounds

I'd like to let some "misplaced" kunai fly.

.

The power of their drool combined

Is enough to flood a town,

And I think I lost my hearing

In the squealing when they're around.

.

Beware of those who seem to hold

Adoring hearts within their eyes—

It surely means a ferocious fate

For the one who is their prize.

.

Creatures more fearful than demons,

And far more annoying than dogs,

They clutch and scream and faint and flirt

'Till you wish they'd croak like frogs.

.

They're watching me—I know they are—

For how else could it be,

For someone as outrageously handsome

As I am, obviously.

.

Alas, it's a curse of every bishie,

This fangirl-ism disease,

And I'm actually jealous of the dobe

Who lives quite fan girl free.

.

That's why, ladies and gents,

Girls are simply too much strife.

I'll resolve all my problems now

With two words: **single life**.

.

There won't be any pink-haired babes

With Sakura, you see,

Because she's so horribly obsessed

That she'd drive me up a tree.

.

Hinata's smitten with Naruto,

And although she holds some class,

I found she's not so innocent

When I saw her eye my a**.

.

At night I cannot sleep a wink

When Karin's up and about,

As I fear that if I go to sleep

She'll pounce and knock me out.

.

Ino scared me _years_ ago

As once within her room,

I found a glowing, flowery shrine

Dedicated to "Sasu-kun".

.

I met Temari a single time,

And while she's not a fan,

Her psycho brothers would drive away

Any prospective and sane man.

.

You can keep the super OC girls,

With their locks of gold and blue,

Cause I'm never gonna fall in love,

Despite the awesome things they do.

.

To any fan girls reading this,

I hope you understand

The horrors that you put me through

With your fanatic schemes and plans.

.

But despite my pain there is one thing

That has the power to make me grin:

The only way in which I win

Is that while I _do_ suffer from a fangirling spree…

…Itachi has to suffer from more fangirls than me.

.

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**This just popped into my head…don't ask where it came from. Instead of making it a one-shot on its own, I just decided to add it to "Sakura's Ode to Fanfiction"…maybe I'll make it a series?**

**Anyways, please don't get angry or offended, this is all purely meant in the spirit of good fun and humor :D. Poor Sasuke-kun, all the love he gets frightened him off. Let's hope Itachi doesn't feel the same way… *Huggles Sasuke and Itachi plushies***

**Leave a review to show support for our poor Sasuke! XD**


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